In Your Facebook

(Names have been changed to protect the innocent.)

Sure, no problem, I’ll accept your Friend Request. What have I been doing for the last 25 years? Do you mind if I get back to you on that? There’s an awful lot to cover and…well I see another Request just came in from…do I know you?

Well, I do love Thailand and I never did make it south to Phuket when I was there years ago. Oh, what the hell, sure I’ll let you kidnap me in pink fluffy handcuffs or was that giant gooey fly paper? I think I prefer the handcuffs, not that I’m into that sort of thing. Oops, gotta go. My friend Rick has just updated his status asking if anyone “knows how to get coffee out of a scanner.” Ugh, I hate when that happens. I did that once to my Syquest drive. It was like a sideways toaster, the disk like a piece of toast. Some of you weren’t even born when Syquest drives were around. Now look how far we’ve come. We’re virtually hugging and poking and sending each other phantom gifts right and left. Now that’s progress.

No, I don’t want to clean her virtual garden. Yeah, I see all the garden tools, but my own garden, the real one, needs some tending. Do you mind? Do I have wrinkles? Yes, but that’s really none of your business. That ad gets a thumbs down for “offensive”  but thanks for letting me participate anyway.

Oh, when I clicked the Skip button, I thought that meant Skip. So I just sent everyone on my Friend List a Christmas Party? Oh well, Happy Holidays one and all. I hope I didn’t offend any of you non-Christians. We do have a tendency to think it’s the only show in town. Well, at least I only have to clean my virtual toilet and buy some virtual snacks for the party.

What does this little button do? Nifty. And they won’t find out I removed them? No offense Dirk but since I haven’t spoken to you in 10 years, you don’t mind if I see what my other friends are doing, do you? You seem to join an awful lot of groups and causes and change your status a lot. I want to know if my real friend Nadine is sick because she ate too many burritos for lunch or if Roger finally got to take that nap after all. (Note: Dirk received the axe before I was told about Options for News Feed.)

How did I get here anyway? Oh, yeah, it was that game of Scrabulous you challenged me to months ago. A game that took us weeks to each take a few turns. You were winning anyway so it’s a good thing the game got pulled. Phew, I almost dragged Mom into this just to play. I might have eventually Unfriended her like my friend Kate is thinking of doing to her mom. Go for it. It’s painless and she’ll never find out, except she probably will find out. I know she got upset about that photo of you and Shane where he proudly and publicly claimed you for his own, other guys be damned. If your mom wants to play in the kids’ sandbox, she’s going to have to deal.

Speaking of which, is there any way you can remove that photo of you grabbing my ass at Halloween. Sure it was fun, but look who popped up today—a client of mine making a Friend Request. Okay, yeah, that would be great. Confirm. It’s good thing I decided against posting that link to the Huffington Post of Obama shirtless with the comment “Hot Digity!”

No I did not meet the man of my dreams. Why do you ask? Jeez. No, I am still single if you must know. I was just trying to foil the advertisers by stripping down my profile to see if the ads changed to something less humiliating. But I do see that Craig and Samantha are No Longer In a Relationship. That’s too bad. I wonder if they know that we all know too.

So, you are alive and well after all. And successful I see. Boy, it’s been a long time. Remember in high school when we joked about how we’d marry each other if we were still single by the time we were 40? Whoa, who’s that gorgeous gal in your Photo Album. Oh…your girlfriend. Never mind.

Look, I gotta go straighten the books on my virtual shelf. I’ll have to get back to you on that Friend Request. I’m trying to remember if you were the one who stole Sarah’s jacket out of her locker in junior high or if that was someone else.

0 comments

  1. Dirk says:

    Hey J,

    Dirk here – no hard feelings – we were using FB and other New Media quite a bit during the election.

    Great post by the way.

    C

Leave a Reply